Captain Crack Cocaine
Podtoid episode 230
Release date 5 December, 2012
Running time 105 minutes
Featuring Jim Sterling
Jonathan Holmes
Conrad Zimmerman
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Murderous Techno-Snail Hybrids

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Podtoid 230: Captain Crack Cocaine is a New Podtoid episode released on 2012-12-06.

The episode was hosted by Jim Sterling, Jonathan Holmes and Conrad Zimmerman.

Official DescriptionEdit

On this week's socially responsible Podtoid, Jonathan Holmes becomes the heroic face of Boston's biggest anti-drug campaign, Conrad becomes a journeyman scholar of the anus, and Morrissey's secret origins are revealed. There's also a really depressing discussion about dementia, because that's what a podcast is for.  Elsewhere, we chat about more Wii U stuff, Microsoft's strengths and failures with Windows 8, and shed a little light on how to get a job in the industry of saying stuff about game things. All this and more, only on Podtoid! (Link to Dtoid Post)

Episode SummaryEdit

The episode kicks off with Jim and Conrad discussing Holmes' ass and how Conrad wishes to learn more about it. Holmes questions as to why people find it so funny whenever other people talk about his ass. He says things like Twilight and The Dark Knight Rises (Which he SPOILS!) as something he does understand even if it's not for him, but that the discussion regarding his anus he just can not wrap his mind around. Jim suggests that he never ever actually talked about Holmes' ass but rather actually was talking about space and planets.

Holmes calls Jim "The Morrissey of Videogames" and the trio falls into a new discussion regarding music. Holmes tells us that Morrissey got his start by writing how much The Ramones sucks, something Conrad finds annoying and infuriating since Rock n' Roll is meant to be simple, which The Ramones was. Jim goes on a very detailed historical lecture about how The Smiths annexed Poland, mixing up The Smiths and the Nationalist Party of Germany in the 1940's. Conrad notes that it's something that's easy to do.

Holmes tries to "Get" Jim by saying he aint got nothing but videogames to his life, but Jim counter-attacks by explaining to him that his most important things in life are; 1. Jonathan Holmes, 2. Jonathan Holmes' House, 3. Jonathan Holmes' Life, 4. Bury Jonathan Holmes, 5. Take Jonathan Holmes' Place in his House, 6. Convince Wife, 7. Have 6 Children, 8. Naming them Jonathan Holmes and Rory Fingers Holmes.

Jim then goes on to say that the listeners of New Podtoid should not leave comments regarding Holmes' family, such as saying that his wife was bad at oral sex. Jim also suggests that Holmes can become his new son so he can kick out his current son into the backyard, but only if Holmes calls him Papa. Holmes ignores this concept and keeps talking about the Podtoid listeners, he mentions that he thinks the listeners feel closer to being their friends than they might actually be, and thus convey the wrong message when they write "Eat Your Ass".

The discussion falls back to Dafoeverse once more and Jim reveals that he holds plans for it to last at least 5 years. We find out that Funky Barn and Cabella's Dangerouse Hunts 2013 are also being invaded by Podtoid listeners, including people having the Cabella bear say classic lines such as "I am Cabella, freely hunt my people!". Jim says that he finds a practical purpose with the raiding of these Miiverses, as any game that has been overrun by drawings like this is clearly a bad game, and it's easier to just look at a quick image than read multiple reviews.

Conrad starts talking about Windows 8 and how it differs from Windows 7. He thinks people are overreacting by comparing it to Vista, saying it's more like the jump from Windows 3.1 to Windows 95. Jim adds that Windows 8 is wonderful on a mobile device, but that he's too scared to put it on his computer, just in case things wouldn't work that well. The discussion leads to how Microsoft is tackling Apple and Steam for their market and seemily fails at doing it and how they could possible do better by stop it's competing and rather work with it's superiors as things like the Windows Phone requires more Software Support.

Holmes begins talking about the new Nintendo Direct and how Pikmin 3 is looking like something he would like. Conrad and Jim brings the discussion to Overlord and talks about how it's a shame that the Overlord games never really allowed for you to feel truly evil and that they could use some help from the Saints Row writers. The videogame discussion ends pretty quickly after that and the trio shares a short discussion about Alzheimers.

Jim decides it's time to enrich Holmes' life further and comes up with a new super-hero for Holmes to wear the cape of. The name of the super-hero is Captain Crack Cocaine, who operates in Jim's spiritual home Boston. CCC is going to be fighting drugs by going into schools in front of kids in class, sit down at the desk and eat chicken-wings for an hour or so and then proceeding by yelling at kids that they should not do drugs because their lives will be ruined. CCC will be yelling for 10-15 minutes that "THEY AINT GOT NO HOPE BECAUSE THEY ARE TERRIBLE KIDS AND HOW DARE THEY THINK THAT THEIR PARENTS CAN BE PROUD OF THEM" while the handsome kids call all the kids being yelled at "Losers", CCC will then kick out the kids out of school temporarily. That's Act 1.

Act 2 is CCC chasing a small dog around. Act 3 happens when Conrad and Jim plants cocaine in one of the kids stuff, then they bring in a sniffer-dog (Holmes costume change) to find it. Conrad will be threatening all the kids as they walk past them and as soon as the dog sniffs the cocaine he will throw the kid to the ground and just drag him off to the police station (Possible The Baby Police?) and then they leave the school premises to appalause. CCC's slogan is "Don't Be A Pussy". Holmes mentions that he wishes more people were like vaginas.

The talk falls to Gremlins 2: The New Batch which Holmes' friend wrote a song about, Holmes sings a part of the song. Holmes' singing makes the trio talk about Ghostbusters II and the Ghostbusters III rumours, they come to the realization that Bill Murray is not the same as he was twenty years ago and that maybe his departure won't hurt the movie if they do make a Ghostbusters III.

The episode draws to a close as the trio answers questions, they come to the topic of how to make it in Game Journalism. The concensus ends being that you basically just have to give it your all and try to make as good connections as you can, but it's really straining and hard to keep going if you're not cut out for it. But not giving up is an important part of it all.

Related PagesEdit


  • This is not the first time Holmes became a super-hero, he became "Spidered-Man" in a previous episode.