Ill Photograph Your Ass

Theatrical poster by Tobbii Karlsson

I'm Gonna Photograph Your Ass is a Willem Dafoe movie pitch for a high-brow, high-octane, family-friendly epic written by Jim Sterling and sponsored by Intel. Featured in Podtoid 210: I'm Nightwing & I'm Gonna Sex You With My Penis, Dafoe makes a return to the role that he plays best, the villain. Jim expended an inordinate amount of energy pitching this particular film as he believed that this would be the one that would get made and make him the next Christopher Nolan allowing him to do The Dark Knight Happens Again.

The film features Brendan Fraser as himself at the peak of his career as a Hollywood actor. However, the vilainous paparazzi photographer Beanie Tuesday is out to tarnish Fraser's career by taking a photograph of his ass. Despite the film's main conflict only involving the two main characters, a plethora of guest stars make an appearance including Debra Messing and Danny DeVito.


Brendan Fraser plays Brendan Fraser a young, upcoming, hot, Hollywood talent. Having recently starred in The Mummy and some other films, everybody wants him to star in the next big stuff. He's already got a phone call to play the witch in Blair Witch 3 and he's gonna be Spiderman. He leads a happy home life with his wife (Debra Messing) and child (Gilbert Gottfried). Although he's got it all, there's trouble on the horizon in the form of an evil parazzi photographer named Beanie Tuesday (Willem Dafoe). Tuesday wants to ruin Fraser's career by taking a photograph of Fraser's anus thus proving to Hollywood and his dedicated fans that he does, in fact, have an anus. It is with this information that people will find out how disgusting Fraser really is.

One of the many high-speed car chases in the film has Fraser screeching through new york closely followed by Tuesday on a bicycle. Crashing taxi cabs steer out of Fraser's way and smash into pedestrians as he careers across the road in an attempt to lose Tuesday. Tuesday follows adeptly, snapping photographs on a Kodak disposable. Fraser's attempt to escape seems futile as Tuesday knows that he has to stop at some point.

Fraser pulls up to the drive-thru window at a McDonalds to find Tuesday standing on the other side dressed as an employee. He quickly starts snapping away at Fraser's face, startling him. Fraser cries out to Tuesday to stop tormenting him as he pulls away from the drive-thru, knocking over pedestrians as they leave the resturaunt.

In a later chase scene, Fraser, with Tuesday close behind, crashes into a school bus. The school bus explodes with the cries of screaming children as Fraser climbs out of the sunroof and hops onto a passing car. He continues to try and escape Tuesday, hopping from car to car while they speed down the streets of New York. Mark Wahlberg calls out to Fraser telling him to jump on his back. Fraser jumps into Wahlberg's back but makes the mistake of trying to ride him like a horse. Wahlberg throws Fraser who lands in the famous New York swamp.

As Fraser pulls himself out of the swamp, he grabs hold of what he thinks is a tree branch for steady himself but it is Tuesday's leg. Tuesday looks down at Fraser wagling his tounge menacingly, ready to photograph his ass. Fraser concedes defeat, unbluckling his belt and pulling down his pants and Y-fronts. He bends down, spreading his ass cheeks apart. As Tuesday leans in to get a good shot of Fraser's anus, a horse comes galloping out of it and kicks Tuesday in the face. Tuesday is forced straight through the high window of the building from which he falls in slow motion like Alan Rickman in Die Hard. Fortunately for Tuesday (and because this is a family film), he falls into a passing truck full of arses which takes him five thousand miles to "Never Coming Back Again".


Brendan Fraser plays himself at the peak of his acting career. He's highly sought after for various roles and lives hapily with his family.

Willem Dafoe plays Beanie Tuesday, a tenatious paparazzi photographer out to wreck Fraser's career.

Debra Messing guest starts as Fraser's wife. She appears as if from nowhere when her husband's career is in jeopardy.

Danny DeVito makes a cameo appearance as an acrobatic version of himself, high-fiving Frasier as he hangs from a lampost.

Mark Wahlberg makes a cameo appearance as a taxi-man who tries to help Fraser by offering him a ride.

James Earl Jones makes a cameo appearance as the voice of Darth Horsey, the savior steed Fraser keeps up his ass.


Beanie Tuesday while chasing Fraser through New York: "You've gotta stop at some point. Pretty soon you're gonna get hungry and you'll have to stop at a garage for some Funyuns and then I'm gonna get a photo of your god damned ass!"

Beanie Tuesday at McDonalds: "Here are your fries. Would you like a photo of your ass with that?"

Danny DeVito as he high-fives Fraser while swinging from a lampost: "You go goil!"

Mark Wahlberg as he is being ridden by Fraser: "Stop it! Stop it! I offered to help and you're just kicking me in the ribs you cunt!"

Beanie Tuesday after he catches Fraser: "Well well well. I said that I'll photograph your ass and now I'm gonna do it. Do you think Blair Witch 3 is gonna want ya when they find out you've got an anus? Not so perfect anymore! Uuwaaaaaaaaaaaeeeelllgh!"

Debra Messing after Fraser has been caught by Tuesday: "No! Don't show him your brown cleft!"

Brendan Fraser as he presents his ass to Tuesday: "Beanie Tuesday, why don't you lean in for a closer look with your camera?"

Beanie Tuesday says "Don't mind if I do. I'll photograph your ass."

Darth Horsey as he kicks Tuesday: "Fuck off!"

Beanie Tuesday as he falls: "You haven't seen the last of me and my camera that's gonna photograph your aaaaass!"

Beanie Tuesday as he digs his way out of a truck of asses: "Asses! Asses! The irony!"

Brendan Fraser after he defeats Tuesday: "Hey Benny! Looks like you're on the wrong side of the river!"


While most stars, including the protagonist Brendan Fraser, play themselves in the film's cannon, Willem Defoe is depicted by Ellen Degeneres. The character of Dafoe, however, does not appear in the film.