The school, located in Boston.

 School of Definitely Magic is Boston's premier school of wizarding and witching, located in Jonathan Holmes' House (formerly Jonathan Holmes' Magic Zoo, formerly Jonathan Holmes' Wild West Saloon and Brothel).

For the minor fee of 50 US dollars, children from all around the country will take a magical journey of learning and fun, with a staff of highly trained professors.


Professor Grumbleticklish (Headmaster)

Professor Sorceryarse (Admin)

Professor Cocknowledge (Potions, Defence Against the Dark Arts Arse)


Defense Against the Dark Arse: The Professor removes his trousers and underwear, turns his back to the class and bends over. The students then take turns putting whatever small objects they have into the Dark Arse, a portal of evil magic, while shouting incantations such as "You disgusting arse!" Meanwhile, Professor Grumbleticklish will be in the classroom, threatening to put his cigarette out onto the students' arms if their objects do not stay inside the Professor's anus (since if you fight the Dark Arse, the Dark Arse will retaliate).

Potions: The Professor removes all of his clothes before lying facedown on the floor while half of the class urinates and defecates on the Professor. During which the professor repeatedly states: 'Oh, good lesson kids!' The other half urinates inside the Professor's anus; the Professor then squirts the liquid out into cups and instructs the students to drink it.


The school has suffered numerous attacks from Lord Voldemort, whose signature attack is the petrol bomb. These attacks have had little effect, as the students have used their new found skills to defeat the hot furniture consuming magic.